84kilos

 I feel like I'm building up tolerance to ritalin. It doesn't feel as effective anymore. Or is my brain finding better more innovative ways to self sabotage? So I had that not-a-stroke thing that was all good until I got access to my MRI scans - before any medical report - which had a pic of my brain with a big green arrow pointing to a small white lump. I'm appreciative of getting quick access to these pics but it might be a better idea to withhold them until AFTER the medical explanation of what's on them. Now I'm looking for stroke symptoms as well as ADHD symptoms. I forgot the guy's name who I've worked with for five years! I couldn't remember what 'sick leave' was called at first!  ... Nah, I do that all the time anyway. Anyway my migraine yesterday knocked me about a little bit, but for longer. I still can't really focus on stuff and took ages to get out of the house this morning. Doom scrolling and constantly distracted. Realising tha...

Not all that productive really but focused and I felt good. Today i need to rewrite my todo list and smash through the key tasks. Ran 11k out to lower hutt for dinner, it was hard but OK. A slight head wind probably made it harder than it seemed.  In a burst of acting without thought of consequence I actually signed up to the noosa full marathon. Now to complete the minor details of how to get there and back and how to fit it into an already busy may and, oh, how to train up to be able to do it. Hmm. 

Monday felt like the olden days! Couldn't focus, couldn't get anything done. Not very happy. Black V energy drinks and cookie time brownies to get through.  Ritalin isn't a magic silver buller that solves all ills, is it?  Good night's sleep last night and im ready to take on the world again. Its going to be a great day today!

Flat stick yesterday, trying and failing to catch up on work. I got the urgent stuff done.  I'll get more stuff done today. Few beers after work with a succession of people, it was fun. I cracked under the 85.9 kg mark this morning, the several beers and no dinner diet is a winner. 

Well. I might've spent the day in hospital yesterday, I had some very minor symptoms that COULD have been stroke and so you don't mess about with anything like that. So I spent the day with various people testing me and going "yeah youre fine but we'll get the next person to check you out just to be safe" So lots of waiting, lots of tests, and more waiting. I finally reached the boss level dr about 8pm and got the same story, youre fine, all your tests are fine, but let's just assume it was a mini stroke to be safe. So blood thinners for a couple weeks and still more tests. Because how do you prove a negative? I think I was pretty relaxed through the process. It was the sort of thing where I knew I was fine - but I also knew that for asymmetric weakness you do not mess around. "Prudent overreaction" is the phrase. The fact that I went through all the medical levels right up to a neurologist booking an MRI followup kinda backs my instincts.  Anyway a...

No problem concentrating yesterday with most of my day filled with meetings. The sort that I listen for my name and eo som3thung else; I need to be there but in the virtual back row keeping an eye on things. Fun quiz after work. We were middle table. But it was fun! Had an actual nightmare last night, slept in and missed gym. A bit distracted all morning, maybe take my Ritalin earlier!  Should I really wait til I've had breakfast to take Ritalin? Im just copying someone else. Okay, bring on the day.

Yeah, concentrating was hard yesterday and I didn't get stuff done that I should have. I think I was still tired from the weekend. Great after work run, amazed that I could knock that out. Another 100k month beckons. Nearly late for work today, need to watch that.  A lot of meetings today, I need to try to intersperse my actual work around them. 

I had such a good time this weekend. And bizarrely enough I smashed out this daunting coastal five event.  Ritalin really is great for running. I realise that my loud music, my constant checking of the telemetry on my watch, the calculations im constantly running in my head ... are all to quiet the background monologue that says im exhausted, I cant do this, I could just stop, what's that pain from my calf..... Now I enjoy the music, I enjoy the scenery and shit, the running itself was actually fun. What's with that?! Is that how normal people run? How much of that is the stim effect of the Ritalin talking? 

Yesterday wasn't a great day, mainly after the disaster meeting the day before. I think I was allowed to be unsettled. The meeting was recorded so let's see whether a rewatch has the same effect.  I forgot to have lunch! I can see protein shakes in my future once I make my target weight. Today is busy busy busy. Meetings all day. Pack for the weekend. More meetings. Let's either smash it out or grind it out!

Last night (late and virtual because timezones) was the wildest meeting of my career, with two people full on yelling at each other while the rest of us sat about awkwardly. Intense! I'm just far enough outside the issues that it was like watching a car crash instead of being involved in a car crash. I'm 87.x kg for the first time in years. Appetite suppression is a great (for now) side effect. I am certainly loud and animated in the morning, and I don't have a filter. I will have to manage that. I wonder if 50mg is too much? Let's keep observing and learning. Im quite stressed about last nights meeting, whether i did the right thing and told the right people. I think i did good but who's to know. I escalated to just the right person. How much can I rely on my judgement right now? Let's wait and see.  Its 5pm and im a bit peckish ... because its dawning on me that I forgot to have lunch. Hmmm.

Got lots done. Kept focus. Great! At 11:30 I'm feeling jittery and tingly.

Breakfast in town with friends day! Again, ready in the morning far too early and staring at the walls wondering what to do next. Took Ritalin before breakfast for the first time and went rather manic. I could hear myself babbling fast and loud and with little filter. I was a bit like that yesterday too I realise. Hmm.  By 9:50 I'm still feeling a little jittery. And I'm not magically concentrating on stuff. Time for prog house and small tasks to complete in a time box. Had a great session with Dr Joe. He sent me lots of stuff. I need to work through it and do the things. And talk to him in a month to tell him what I actioned and what behaviour changing CBT techniques I did. A good afternoon of work and a nice evening. A little bit late to sleep, I think it is just the lingering affects of the time zone change. Still slept really well.

Questions for Dr Joe Key question: what sort of therapy do I need in parallel and who is the right person? Joe's going to send me some reading material. I'll check back with him in a month. I'm correct - I have habits to reform to stop me reverting back to previous behaviours, that were previously ADHD symptoms or coping mechanisms but are now just habits. The treatment is like an antibiotic course - when you feel better after a few days you have to complete the whole course (ie the meds and the coaching/therapy and behaviour change) and not just stop working on the treatment.  What will Ritalin help with and what will it not help with? Eg I assume my short term memory hasn't magically got bigger? Yep, it'll help with some things but not others. Emotional regulation and self image will not be 'treated' but I do have more headspace to manage those myself. What happens if I stop and start Ritalin, do I need those 30 mg tabs to wean myself on again? It's a ...

 I have been well distracted this morning. I can tell that it's because I didn't sleep that well - that's how I am with a little less sleep than normal.  I am quite manic, jumping from rant to rant and ignoring the things I probably should be doing.  So yes - im still capable of being distracted, going down rabbit holes, being inappropriately talkative, having to fight my urges and focus on work. 

Everything is so much more efficient. I overslept a bit and only had 20 min to get ready. Somehow I was ready in 15 and looking around for extra things to do. A great run last night, 3rd fastest ever on the waterfront course. Dry retching at the end shows optimum effort. Three 4% beers after. No adverse reaction other than the usual tipsiness.  Im not drinking nearly the coffee I used to. I don't have the compulsion to. I did need to go for a mid afternoon power walk to clear my head, and listen to music to focus. 

Another great day. Again, the most amazing effect is that im fresh and ready for more work at the end of the day. I smashed out a particularly boring thing like it was the most exciting task in the world until 9pm, and was still asleep by 10:30-11:00. I can still sidetrack myself happily though, finding a rabbit hole that ended in a bruce springsteen billboard that bruce and the band themselves graffitied. 

I kinda like this Ritalin stuff. Toby says I got the fast release, not the slow release version because my doctor thinks I'm a responsible adult. Immediate release is 3-4 hrs and slow release is 8-12.  It feels like when I stop thinking, there is no monologue that keeps distracting me from stuff. Also I feel like I can feel the coffee hitting me harder. But it's hard to tell given I've just got back from Singapore - I feel refreshed and reset anyway, plus I've just changed 5 time zones. I don't need my europop or prog house mix in my head to focus I feel like the energiser bunny. I'm walking really fast. I feel a bit jittery. And I start a task and just ... do the task. I managed to have just one lunch at TJ Katsu, and just leave when I finished eating. So there's that! (Normally I stay on my phone, and then order a second lunch primarily to avoid work and stay on my phone for longer).  The day has passed in a blur! I don't know if I was more productive,...

What a reset! That frivolous malaysia Singapore trip could well be the best holiday for ages. I feel so refreshed and so relaxed and content. I have to keep surfing this feeling as long as I can. The next two weeks will be interesting! I start Ritalin TODAY. What will it do to me? My journalling becomes super important.  Meanwhile I have coastal five in two weeks' time to focus on. Run every day this week. Knock out 10-15k this weekend. Taper with 3k per day the following week. Prep my nutrition and recovery plan. Smash out the weekend without worrying about times. Finally I'm still 89.3kg which is quite the achievement after all the delicious Asian food on offer last week. Let's see how we go but calorie control is a lower priority until likely January. We're coming into silly season and I have to be kind to myself. What a positive and goal focussed post this is. Let's ride the wave.